The Vulnerable Deer and The Proud Lion
It has been several years, since I have this blog on, not being able to fully claim it or close it.
I have just figured out that the reason I cannot fully commit to the intuitive scientist is that myself is still not clear about its message.
There is sth that stops me from flowing with words and cheering with truth.
Why is that?
I have been wanting to write this blog for ten years and still not able to see it with clarity.
But why?
Today it became clear to me, the reason I cannot write my message clearly in this blog is because I couldn’t figure it out myself.
I don’t know the message this blog conveys, it is also confusing to me. I feel stuck every time I open this webpage or the Instagram page.
I feel stuck because there is a division between my mind and heart.
I feel blocked because my personality has two very dominant personas that are in conflict.
One of them is a sensitive and vulnerable, loving and kind, and very naive deer.
It is simply defenseless, it has no horns or antlers.
It cannot run very fast.
It is fragile and open to attacks.
When a kind and loving soul sees her, they would like to hug her and rest in her space. She is healing to the soul, and loving to the heart.
But she is a threat to those who are not true to themselves.
She reminds them how animalistic their life is and evokes their internal hatred and anger.
I need to be very powerful to protect her.
The vulnerable deer is beautiful.
This is my heart, and since I know her, her space was invaded by wild lions.
She was adopted by lions, who kept telling her that she should neither be so vulnerable nor so innocent.
She heard a thousand times that she needed to work hard and be bold to get what she wanted.
She was never seen, never found a home of her own. Never welcomed into a family, and never felt secure. She stares at reality trying to make sense of it, but every time she sees hatred, war, blood, and violence it makes her sad. Not scared, sad.
She cannot make sense of these actions, she simply lacks instinct for them.
So I saw her nesting in her cocoon, praying to god.
The deer must be my feminine side, my heart.
So the deer didn’t feel safe, but couldn’t change her nature either. She felt that there was another reality, a happier one, but she was unable to reach it.
The deer was, most of the time, locked inside, waiting to find someone or someplace safe enough to be herself.
She felt misunderstood, undervalued, and alone. Knowing that she had a lot to offer the world…
And then there is the other side of me: The lion.
The strong, powerful, and independent one.
The successful and overachiever.
I went to school and discovered that I was good at learning and succeeding in academia.
That was the only place I felt seen, so I hung on to it.
The lion knew she could achieve anything she truly wants. She knew that if she put her mind to and act on it, everything would be possible. She believed in her power, and she felt capable.
Just not capable of being understood or moving to a loving reality, but capable of academic achievements or reaching materialistic goals.
I remember that I felt unlimited. My faith was limitless.
I could not control the environment the deer was in, but the lion had the power to change things.
So I hold on to her.
Spent nights and days thinking about what to achieve, how to succeed, and what I wanted from the future.
I planned ways to get where I want and patiently climbed the ladders.
But something was wrong, I was going half, and the deer was in blood and tears.
She was hidden and couldn’t find her tribe.
The deer was not born to be alone, loveless, and dry.
The lion quit the fight at some point, feeling that something went terribly wrong.
Not knowing how to help the deer, how to connect with her. How to love her.
Now I know.
This blog is for the deer.
This blog is for emotions and love.
This blog is for connection and oneness.
This blog is for women and feminine power.
This blog is for fragile hearts, loving souls, and kind people.
This blog is for those who refuse to hurt others even though they are deeply bruised and battered.
This blog is for all lions who stand for the deer.
This blog is for my masculine side, protecting the feminine.
This blog is for healthy masculine and empowered feminine.
This blog is for an alternative reality, with which we align patiently, and bravely.
This blog is for the eternal, one and only.
This blog is for all the spaces where the boundaries between me and you dissolve.
This blog is for telling the truth and being understood.
For all the spaces where being a deer is safe and beautiful.
This blog is for us.