Under the vast blue sky, I am free

Growing up, I was taught to be perfect, act according to the norms, obey the social rules, dress appropriately, chase society’s definition of success, obtain a good education, earn a living, get a job, get married, throw a big wedding, start a family, buy real estate, be a good citizen, work hard for my country, respect and honor my ancestors and dedicate myself for the common good of society.

This vision failed day by day, as less and less space was left for “me” in society. My daily routine and tasks became more and more energy and time-consuming, love became an impossible dream, my job started to feel like a burden. One day, I noticed that the gap between the life I wanted to live and the life I was actually living was huge, and it was constantly growing. Happiness has never been a goal back then, and it wasn’t even a matter of question. It neither belonged to the process nor the destination. The goals were big success points that made society happy, fueled their vision, fed the collective identity.

Even though I have never actually encountered happiness and love in person, I was quite sure that LOVE existed. As a romantic, if I could feel love, the warm and content feeling in my heart, it should have also materialized somewhere out there. But where exactly?…

…and the journey begins…

Luckily very soon I will start school and learn about the world. I can’t wait to grow up and travel so that I can look for the place where happiness resides.

And there it is, the world map, on the wall of my classroom.

Yesterday, the world looked so magical and full of possibilities. I could not wait to look for the night sky on the pole and watch the sunset in distant lands. Why am I constantly being taught that there have been world wars? And why is my daily routine settled by an entity called the government? The government seems to be a group of angry-looking men with suits, mustaches, and big stomachs. They look nothing like the prince charming of my dreams but they seem to be very important since everyone is talking about them. The government and the teacher make the rules and punish you if you break them.

Now I dream less and study more.

This life that I am asked to lead feels robotic and fake to me. I want a reality where my heart is full of joy, where my breaths are full and deep, where I am neither rushed nor pushed to do anything.

One day, with the inspiration and courage I received from the courageous and loving people around me, I gazed at the river as it is a vast body of water that soothes my anxiety and strengthens my connection. And I wished for another state of being, one where I am free and appreciated as I am.
I wished for a life where my words and actions arise from deep inside and bend the external reality.
I wished and set an intention for self-confidence.
If only I knew, self-confidence is a by-product of knowledge of the self.
I had no clue then how my true self was unique and wise and connected to the one and only.
My true self was my soul, and my soul was a mighty and eternal river, transmitting the waves and streams of a higher and wiser source.
If I knew, what I might have found, I might have stopped.
Back then, my external reality felt scarier than the journey.
But I am grateful for walking to the light, taking small but courageous steps into the unknown.

Just like that, the white rabbit captured my attention.
Just like that, I fell down the rabbit hole.
As I fell to the territory of wonderland, I judged myself: I must be crazy.
Another voice whispered: Relax, we all are.

There is simply one truth, I wholeheartedly believe in.